Best Fake Smile
Have you ever done something or been in a situation where it resulted in you not recognizing yourself? Felt like your mind, body, soul, spirit, your very essence was just sucked dry out of you? Yeah, me too. It sucks, a lot.
It's this weird, unhealthy combination of constantly feeling a lack of groundedness, dissociation, avoidance and suppression, anger and irritability, anxiety with anxious and racing thoughts, like there's just too much unnecessary clutter in your head (that doesn’t need to be there), emotional and physical fatigue and exhaustion, constant overwhelm, inability to focus, inability to retain and remember things/constantly forgetting, easily burning out, feeling emotionally numb, and a laundry list of many more… if that is even possible. There is soooo many reasons why one could feel this way, and it is even normalized by others. For some people, this feeling lasts a short period of time, and for others, well, when they don’t do anything about it, it lasts months, years, or even a lifetime.
Often times, when the above is happening and we are struggling with the connection to ourselves, whether or not it is due to external factors, it can lead to various forms and levels of mental illness, some being depression, anxiety, and trauma. And do you want to know what is worse than experiencing depression, anxiety, and trauma at that level? Experiencing it when the world is telling you that you are supposed to be happier than ever with the basis of their comments coming from certain traditions, norms and expectations.
I've heard this saying so many times in my personal and professional life regarding going to school, getting married, being pregnant, moving out, starting a new job, and many others, but truthfully, sometimes it just doesn’t feel like that. It really, truly doesn’t feel like the happiest time of your life- and who is to tell you otherwise. The same applies to sad, frustrating, and other moments too- job loss, death/grief/ loss, terminal and chronic illness, etc- when you are told: "at least you have a job", "at least they are in a better place", "snap out of it", "just don’t think about it", etc. I hope you also don’t take this out of context and think that this is a pass or a right to be disrespectful, hurt others, or cross their boundaries.
At the end of the day, the more I think about what leads one to feel this way, what the specific things are, it ends up boiling down to: it's not what you want, it takes away from your valuable time, it doesn’t resonate with you, it takes away from your authenticity, ultimately, it doesn’t allow you to be you and pushes aside what your mind, body, soul, spirit is needing. For me at least, I feel like that’s what many of these cultural/societal/religious norms, traditions and expectations do.
Cultural/societal/religious traditions are created and important as they pass on shared values, practices, stories, goals of a particular culture from one generation to the next. Norms essentially are unwritten rules and guidelines of behavior and choices that are accepted by members of a particular culture or society. Which all in all, these create expectations of how you are supposed to be and how you are supposed to live your life.
But what happens when these traditions, norms and expectations are no longer relevant or applicable to the current generation or life it is being passed down to? And what if it does more harm than good?
It puts us in a situation where we end up putting on our best fake smile while feeling like the above and we lose that connection with ourselves. And in the end, was it worth it? Was the blood (I hope this was not the case), sweat, tears worth it? Could there have been a more comfortable and peaceful way of doing it? Most likely- and that way would've probably been by listening to yourself and not letting the self be influenced by others. Easier said than done, I know :/
We are all flawed and very much different than one another. One person’s happy moment could be someone else's nightmare. What actually matters though in these moments is that we respect and validate one another, not put more fuel to the fire- that obviously makes things worse. But often, the former doesn’t happen, because again, we are all flawed, and we operate from our specific biases- norm, traditions, beliefs- and if we are not aware of it ourselves, we simply just react and don’t consider the other person’s perspective/experience.
Note: Please don’t take this the wrong way. If you do enjoy, resonate, and feel comfortable with your particular cultural/societal/religious norms, traditions and expectations, by all means, go for it and celebrate it!
At the end of all the heartache, stomachache and pain, we are all left with the same thing- feeling disconnected with ourselves.
Truthfully, quite often, I find myself craving connection with my authentic self, when I don’t, I feel off. I have come to terms with it. I admit, I am a work in progress when it comes to this. By listening to myself, creating space, and setting aside time for myself, I get the chance to build that relationship with myself. Some things I am blinded by, and others I am not, but this often requires me to challenge myself and what I have been taught of my cultural/societal/religious norms and traditions- but it is difficult to challenge the norms, traditions, and expectations when others still hold on to them.
Curling in bed with tea while reading a book, journaling, doing yoga, or meditating and praying all make my soul sing, dance, play and feel at peace. As much as I fantasize about this, it is still a struggle to make it happen because of day-to-day responsibilities, tasks, and to-dos. I am not saying this is often the case, but when I don’t get that connection with myself and I have to step into the role of being a good member of my culture and society, it becomes hard for me to connect or interact with others.
To be honest, I was hesitant to write this, let alone post it on the internet. I think it could bring up a lot for people, it did for me as I wrote it.
But lesson learned: Always, always, and always: Stay present. Be authentic. Listen to yourself and do what your soul needs and wants in the moment.
Take care of yourself and thank you for being here.
Sending you lots of light, love, and blessings.
Daria Stepanian-Duhancioglu, LMFT